I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
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The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My dog ate my work from home.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My love language is hissing.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.