I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
You Might Also Like
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Ha.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”