5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*