*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….