wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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Mhm.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.