Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.