my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.