And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke