My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.