Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club