Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.