Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I am yelling
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.