just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The government even made aliens boring
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sniffing the broccoli
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.