Time heals everything 🙂
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My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Going to church you guys need anything
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Breaking news:
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.