‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?