me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
doing your own taxes
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”