When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Isn’t
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
yes… yes…
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?