I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.