“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article