Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You Might Also Like
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
You better watch out
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.