I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
i want to work in this restaurant
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here