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Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it