me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens