I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
our love story in four pictures
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
A dad and his duck
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.