If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
You Might Also Like
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Fights fire with marshmallows
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.