my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
✌️
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.