Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
2022: I can fix it
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.