HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?