“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
choose your gary
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch