Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
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Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”