Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You Might Also Like
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020