Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Just grow your own
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”