I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Meeeee too!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”