Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
#math
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
just witnessed a drug deal
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them