People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
At an art museum and I thought this was art