just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You Might Also Like
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Worst Native American name ever.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
.. do you even science?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.