*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Ape together strong
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.