I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.