We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.