I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“I’m helping” 😅
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
this is 10/10 content no notes
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”