I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
The real reason evolution started..😂