“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Netflix and awkward silence?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids