When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here