Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
When you kidnap a writer.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?