God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
lmao
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!