My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?