teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
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Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?