If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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Every house has this drawer
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Coffee is ready.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.