elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again