I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Can. I. Help. You.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.